In the middle of the busy crowd

Being alone in the middle of a busy crowd seems to be a nostalgia for some. But for me, I feel that was the best part that happened to me that night.

It is in the middle of the night when I choose to leave the group and go home. As I walked towards my car, those minutes while I am walking alone in the middle of the busy crowd, I feel the person I am.

People around me are partying. They are both singing and listening to the band that is playing along the streets of Alunan Avenue. People are drinking liquor, some are busy consuming it with a cigarette in their hands. Some men and women flirt with each other, some couple are holding their hands while walking. There are others that they bring their families with them just to enjoy the festival. Vendors are also busy selling the items in their hands. And there are also some who is just like me, walking alone, going somewhere to wander and be part of the event.

While experiencing all of these things, I feel so much of myself. My mind and my heart is telling me that I am happy despite the loudliness of music and the craziness of people around me. Being alone in the middle of the crowd is not at all a melancholy, instead it brought a positive effect in me.

I thought I can only achieve the said feeling when I am just alone in my room. But it is exactly the opposite of it; it is in the middle of the busy crowd where I can pause and stop, where I can prove that sometimes we don’t need to be alone just to contemplate on things, and that sometimes we need to observe the people around us to appreciate who we are.

Because at that moment, while I am walking in the middle of the crowd, I realized that I am no longer the person who I am five years ago, and that I am already a changed person. At that time, I accepted that there are things that we cannot change and we need to accept all the changes it brought to us even if it is us who changes throughout time.

And it is in the middle of the busy crowd where I learn to accept all of these things.

Hey, you're back. I miss you.

“Hey, you’re back. I miss you.”

These are the words that this blog shall utter if it can just talk and pour its thoughts. I am glad that it can’t because our friendship might be over during the times I ignore writing.

I don’t feel the need to write but I just want to write. Maybe I miss telling my stories in an internet site where I am not sure whether someone will read it. I am not a writer but I love sharing my stories through writing.

Recently, I find myself alone which means I got no one to talk to, no family, no friends at all. I don’t know what did I do wrong but this is what I feel. I have those old friends whom I really considered friends for life but when I try to buzz them, they seem to be busy, seem to really doesn’t care. They said that they are just there but when they don’t need you, they already forget you. You will just know that there are meet ups and have their dinner together in a social media sites. When you like it, all they say is they wish that you are there but they did not even invite you, did not even bother to inform you. And so I said to myself that maybe this is no friendship at all.

When I turn to my family where I want or need to be with them, they try to reject me as if I am no one in the family. And if you try to call your relatives, it seems they only wanted you because you’ve got something to give to them.

And so, I wonder if I got sick, bed ridden in an hospital with no money in my pocket, will someone be there for me? I am not really sure. Because I tried it once and my family has just left me alone in the hospital and pointing fingers who will take care of me for the night. The people who visited me those times are the people who seems to care but really don’t know me personally. But the friends that you’ve considered friends for life did not even bother to check on you.

I am sad because this is what I feel. I hate to feel this, but with all honesty, I feel I am rejected by my so-called friends and family. I am hurt because I know I did my best to be the best ate, best friend to them, remembering their birthdays, giving surprises, listening to their stories. But I end up to be just an old friend who is nothing at all. And I am sad with it.

I know that I don’t have to put too much expectations from them so that I won’t be hurt. But I end up disappointed at all. Maybe next time, I don’t have to put too much expectations on my friends or I will be hurt again. I have to remind myself that the only one who has a constant character is God, thus He is the only who keeps His promises and surely I will never be disappointed with Him for He will never leave me nor forsake me even if all of my friends did.

And to this blog, because no matter how many months or years I won’t keep in touch, it will only utter these words: “Hey, you’re back. I miss you.”