LONELINESS IS CREEPING AT MY BED

These past few days, there is a part of me who is afraid to go home early. Not because I am angry with someone in our house but because I don’t want to go to my room. Because whenever I go there alone, a jar of negative emotions will come, and most of it is the spirit of loneliness.

-christian-dating-service-plus.com

The moment I sit on my bed, I begin to ponder about my situation. I ask myself if I can still survive given my limited resources, my dry relationships and where living seems to be an obligation. And every time I thought about it, I can only see the dark side of my life. It seems I am surrounded by darkness and the only light remain comes from a piece of my broken heart. And that piece is my only hope, that piece is the hope that no one or nothing can ever separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus, my Lord.  

The hope that remains in me began to spread as I cry to the Lord.  I shout all my concerns to Him for my soul is downcast and weary. I ask Him to vindicate me just like what David did in psalms. I pray and I continue to pray. Until I see my heart to be whole with all the stitches over it. It seems the only piece of my heart had affected every other piece.  Then, when my tears are gone, I begin to sleep.

However, I still wonder why I still wake up around 3 am every day. Fear sneaks at me every time I wake up during that time. Last night, I woke up and notice that my sister was not in her bed and all I can see is darkness. I cried again, I got my phone and went to the master’s bed room and saw my sister and mom sleeping. I join them in the bed. Then, I wake up around 6:00 am to start my day, with a fear of going to sleep again.  

I am not sure when the first day I begin to experience this loneliness creeping at my bed. But one thing I am sure and certain, I think it will still continue until the time that my heart begins to heal completely. And I believe that absolute healing will only come at the time when my God would answer me. As for the time, I don’t know. But I am hoping every night that He will answer for I don’t want that loneliness come near me again especially before I sleep.